A Defense of Spiritual Fathers & Mothers

As a graduate of the Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry (2012-2015), there has been a lot to process the past few months. Learning about the Shawn Bolz cover up, the misrepresentation of Ben Armstrong’s abuses, the constant re-platforming and promotion of known and alleged frauds and predators, and Bill Johnson’s particular complicity. . .has been a lot. (I’ve posted about it on my YouTube channel if you are interested in more on that.) I’ve watched so many 6 hour Mike Winger videos, anything slower than 2x speed is starting to seem slow. 

As part of the conversation surrounding Bethel’s need for reform, an evolving consensus has emerged amongst some reformers and deconstructionists slamming spiritual fathering and mothering as a systemic grooming gateway. It surprised me in one sense, to hear people speak of spiritual fathers and mothers as inherently predatory. In another sense I was not surprised: many people are traumatized by the exposure of the charismatic communities they invested in (IHOP, Bethel, Morningstar, etc.), and are looking for clear answers and solutions.

The problem with attacking the concept of “spiritual fathers and mothers” is that the concept is actually biblical. Understanding the desire for simple solutions, here is my pushback.

What I agree with: 

First, I agree that if a man tells a young woman he is her spiritual father and he’s sleeping next to her, touching her inappropriately, or prophesying about her and him together. . .that is a predator, not a spiritual father. The same would be true of a woman saying she was a spiritual mother. We need to ensure young people are empowered to use their common sense and enforce personal boundaries in such situations.

In contrast, Bethel’s culture of risk and openness caused some people to feel guilty for their commonsense gut checks; to suppress them; and this made them vulnerable. Most people wouldn’t accept a biological parent of an adult child crossing physical or emotional boundaries, let alone a mentor who took on a spiritual son or daughter. If we keep a firm handle on this commonsense reality, that will help protect our churches. Men and women need to know that if credible evidence surfaces that someone is violating these boundaries, there will be consequences.

I also acknowledge that the Bible does say we have one Father, and not to call any man father.

Matthew 23:9
Do not call anyone on earth your father; for One is your Father, He who is in heaven.

Where I disagree: 

However, I am convinced this is like the Bible saying women can’t speak in church (ie: context specific). Jesus was illustrating a principle, not laying down a new law. The point is our heavenly Father is supreme, greater than our biological father, and greater than mentors and teachers who are fathers to us.

Case in point, we would all be disobeying Jesus by calling our actual dads “father” if Jesus meant it as a literal law; and Paul would be contradicting Jesus too:

1 Corinthians 4:15
For though you might have ten thousand instructors in Christ, yet you do not have many fathers; for in Christ Jesus I have begotten you through the gospel.

Furthermore: 

Another important consideration is that having elders in the faith who take converts under their wing like a father or mother is a good work on their part, and a huge blessing to younger believers. This is simple discipleship. In Timothy, Paul says to treat older believers as fathers and mothers. There is no reason to believe other young people wouldn’t also treat older men and women as fathers and mothers, not just Timothy. And, if they were to treat elders as fathers and mothers, it stands to reason that elders were to treat the young people as sons and daughters.

1 Timothy 5:1-3
Do not rebuke an older man, but exhort him as a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, with all purity.

Naturally not all these relationships would be particularly close, but neither is it obvious they would be particularly distant. It also goes without saying that if someone exhibited predatory or grooming behaviour in the early church they would be treated like a wolf, not a father or mother. In the Old Testament we see David struggling with his dysfunctional and abusive relationship with Saul—but he still called him father:

1 Samuel 24:11
Moreover, my father, see! Yes, see the corner of your robe in my hand! For in that I cut off the corner of your robe, and did not kill you, know and see that there is neither evil nor rebellion in my hand, and I have not sinned against you. Yet you hunt my life to take it.

A Personal Anecdote: 

I had a much older man take me under his wing as a grandfather in the Lord when I was in my early twenties, and it was a tremendous blessing to me. I was very grateful, and he was a holy man. He and his wife were amazing people. She is still on this side of heaven, and we occasionally catch up.

I have a spiritual father as well. He and his wife even had me living in their home for a couple of years while I struggled through a particularly trying leg of my inner healing journey. I probably wouldn’t have fully recovered without their help.

On the other side of the coin, I have also had an older man act like he was a father to me, until he started giving me an uncomfortable vibe, at which point I cut contact. Problem solved. This isn’t unique to church communities, this is part of being a woman. I’ve experienced this in schools and workplaces as well.

The need for wisdom:

I’m in favour of safeguards and educating congregations (and particularly young people) to know what abuse and grooming look like. Older congregants should keep a protective eye on the younger ones as well, those of us who are older and more cynical and savvy. What I’m not in favour of is inaccurate teaching about what grooming looks like or that paints spiritual mothering and fathering as inherently cultish or predatory. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with a spiritual family framework. We simply need to combine it with street smarts and common sense. Everything get weird when you have a church without sound doctrine or guardrails—which is where we found ourselves at Bethel.

Life and godliness require discernment. Characterizing biblical principles as inherently toxic because we’ve seen them twisted and abused is not a solution. Church relationships are also organic, flourishing in different cultures and communities in unique ways, and we’d do well to respect this diversity. Not everything can be black and white, or mechanistic– though I know the algorithms are training us otherwise.

That’s where I land on this. I’m also genuinely concerned that by feeding our souls stories of trauma and abuse to the exclusion of healthy and inspiring stories, we can actually suffer an injury to our conscience that makes it difficult to see goodness even where it exists– almost like a low-grade form of communal PTSD. I understand that there are survivors of trauma and spiritual abuse who are still in recovery, and grief and healing take time. Still, the world is a broad, nuanced, beautiful place when you look outside the scandals. I’m 100% in favour of addressing error and corruption. I just don’t want us to lose our salt.

Matthew 10:16
“Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.”